On the Eve of 33

A little over three years ago, I had what I thought was a brilliant idea. I was going to commission a friend to build me a big ornate box.

It was going to be my Jesus box.

The box would be a gift to myself on my 30th birthday that I was sure would impact my spiritual life forever. At the time, I was doing everything I could to impress God. I was a zealous staff member at a megachurch, putting in long hours and constantly pushing myself to higher heights in ministry. I was somehow convinced that while God loved me, he wasn’t entirely pleased with my performance. I was convinced that he’d love me more when I did everything I had been instructed to do, better. Because if I was honest with myself, there was always room for improvement. I could pray longer, memorize more scripture, help more people, smile more, forgive quicker, hold my tongue more often, confess with more zeal and help out with one more thing around church….

I was also fearful I could somehow lose his love if I did things wrong.

Leading up to my 30th birthday, I saw the perfect opportunity to make some significant spiritual headway. I knew Jesus had begun his earthly ministry at age 30, and in three short years he forever changed everything. I was going to do the same in his name. The box would help me measure my progress.

My plan was to fill the box up with spiritual souvenirs that represented accomplishments I had made in his name. Thank you notes for hospital visits, pictures from weddings officiated, flyers from big events I’d organized, sermon notes I’d delivered and everything else I could tangibly find to represent my good works.

It’s embarrassing to write all this, but it’s important for me to recall. I had convinced myself I was growing when, in reality, I was really reaching the end of myself. I was internally panicked. I couldn’t physically do more and still be considered a good father or husband. I couldn’t possibly care about one more thing without imploding. I wanted to be strong like those I looked up to who seemed to always be perfect.

My last hope was the three year period that laid right before me. I’d give it my all, pull out all the stops, be “on-fire” all the time, and become a Jesus-ninja. And then on my 33rd birthday (the same age Jesus was when he died for me), I’d give God my box as an offering…a hard earned peace offering.

Maybe then I would be secure in his love for me. Maybe then he would finally be impressed.

I never got around to building the box. Call it self-sabotage, but something deep inside told me it just wouldn’t be enough. I knew that trying would kill me. Because nothing is enough to earn God’s love. God’s love is not for sale. It can’t be earned. It can’t be sold. It can’t be promised by others in return for performance.

Right around the time I turned 30, I was given the opportunity to help a friend start a contemporary service. It might not have filled the box, but it was something to hold in my back pocket. But then something was planted in me that changed everything. I heard about grace. God’s unmerited love, favor and his complete forgiveness of ALL my sins.

A couple months later, I read a book that opened my eyes to grace in scripture. I began seeing it everywhere! And then my life got turned upside down.

When I realized that being a Christian was not about proving how much I love God, but instead recognizing and resting in how much he already loved me, everything changed.

I fell in love with the One who first loved me.

On the eve of my 33rd birthday, I am thankful. Very thankful. The past three years would have been very different had I built that box. I would have gone before God tomorrow with a box full of trinkets that would not have been able to give me the certainty that I have today. They are all dung in comparison to knowing my Savior as I have come to know him in the last three years.

I never imagined starting a church. The stakes were too high if I failed. I never imagined leaving house and belongings behind to follow him to another country. The risk was just too big.

My mindset changed when I realized I was already loved. The adventures of planting a beautiful church, and now, the new adventure of becoming missionaries to Peru, are all done from the security of love. I’m not doing any of it to gain anything; I’m doing it because I have been given everything in Christ.

On the eve of 33, life looks amazing. I am loved, I am accepted, I will never be abandoned. I have hope. I am so excited to continue to join God in the restoration of all things.

On the eve of my 33rd birthday, I have no Jesus box to offer. But I do have Jesus…or I should say, He has me.